Kateryna Kopanieva

Tetyana Bondarenko is an actress. Before the full-scale invasion, she played at the Kyiv theatre on Mykhailivska St., acted in episodical roles in movies, translated English content for Ukrainian TV channels, worked as a lab assistant in the scientific research laboratory at the Borys Grinchenko University. On February 24 2022, her life, like the lives of millions of Ukrainians, changed completely. During that time, when many were already leaving Kyiv, Tetyana came into the recruiting office with a strong intention of joining the Territorial Defence. She has been fighting since Autumn 2022. At first as a shooter in the infantry, now - as a drone operator. Tetyana with the codename «Bond» told Sestry about her life at war, her motivation and battling sexism on the frontlines.

Making the recruitment office listen

- The plan to join the Armed Forces of Ukraine actually formed even before the full-scale war, - Tetyana says. - In 2014, when the fighting in Donbas broke out, I came to the «Kozatsky» hotel on Khreshchatyk St., where volunteers were being recruited, and said that I wanted to join one of the battalions. The recruiter looked at me with apparent scepticism: «And who are you? A medic? Cook?» «An actress» - I replied.

I think he threw away my application the moment I left the hotel. Since that day, I was often haunted by thoughts that I was doing nothing while someone else was protecting the country. And at the beginning of 2022, I had no doubt about the imminence of a full-scale invasion and decided to apply to the Territorial Defence in January. I considered it to be a good way to, firstly, prepare myself for the war, and secondly, learn to handle weapons, which would be useful in my career as an actress (I have always wanted to play strong and belligerent women).

The full-scale war began when I already collected all the necessary documents for the Territorial Defence - the only thing left was for me to write a short autobiography. Having heard the first explosions outside my window, I began writing it at once - and at 9 AM I was on the spot with all the required papers.

Women do not belong here

- People often ask me when I was really scared during the war. And so I think that it would be the moment I was first given a weapon, having no idea how to use it. I was horrified of doing something wrong… Our first target practice took place on March 8th. It is an important date for me as a feminist - a day of women’s struggle for their rights. Being at a training ground that day with a weapon in hand, I felt that I was doing what I had to.

- When in particular did you end up on the frontlines?

- This did not happen immediately. At first, I was stationed at a checkpoint near Kyiv. We spent the whole Spring learning combat tactics, explosives and more. Before long we went to the combat zone but stayed in reserve for a while, 3-4 kilometres away from the battles. Our company was sent to the frontlines specifically at the end of October 2022. Then a situation happened that became a great disappointment to me.

There were only two women in my company: me and a combat medic. And we were the only ones to not be sent «to die» until the last minute. The commander of the unit we were in proclaimed stubbornly: «We do not take women to the frontlines!». While half of the men in our company were laid off at the trench digging stage in reserve: there were many people 40+ years of age in the Territorial Defence, and some strained their backs, for some problems with the joints or blood pressure «appeared». As a result, only 35 people went to the line which was supposed to be «held» by 70 people. The female medic and I, who were prepared and motivated, were not engaged because of the fact that we were women.

Our unit’s leader tried to convince the commander of the air assault company that I and my comrade could fight but he said: «Alright, you can take them with you. But if they are going to start crying the next day, you are going to be at fault»

But they did not take us anyway. When wrote a report to the commander, he sent my comrade to a field hospital and me to a different company, whose positions were easier. He said I have to stay there for a while at first, and then if I manage it, I could come back to my company. Unfortunately, my company did not stick around for me to come - the enemy literally destroyed it, only three people were unharmed. The rest - all «WIA» and two «KIA». Then, I told my mother that it would not be an enemy’s bullet that would kill me in this war but instead sexism that becomes absurd, and stupidity shown by my own people.

By gender

- What do you think is the reason for sexism?

- This is, unfortunately, our culture. 90 per cent of people in the army are yesterday’s civilians. This is a kind of section, a mirror of society, in which 70 per cent of men single-mindedly refuse to see an equal in a female. They think in stereotypes indoctrinated since their childhood, like: «The man is a defender, the woman is a caretaker». I think if they admit that women are strong, smart and can perform the same tasks as them, their worldview would crumble. If women are decent soldiers, it turns out that men are not exclusive in their heroism.

- What methods are effective in fighting sexism?

- I often see how some girls try to be kind and gentle in hopes that it would help establish good relationships with their comrades. Thinking that if they act like a girl, they would soon start acting like gentlemen. I have not seen this strategy work even once.

Personally, I have a strong reaction towards any signs of sexism. I am not afraid of being hated. At least I will be heard. And by the way, I am on good terms with most of my comrades. Thankfully, there are some reasonable people.

Sexism presents itself in many forms, most of the time in offensive comments or jokes toward women. And, in my opinion, men often underestimate women’s role in civil life during the war, when it is the women especially on whom the responsibility to care for the children and the elderly lies - and there are no medals, awards or prizes for this.

I even conducted a survey among my comrades - what would they choose: staying home alone with children like their wives or going to war. The overwhelming majority chose the second option.

One time, the wife of one of my comrades thanked me - she said that after speaking with me, her husband became more considerate of her «invisible» home duty

As for fighting sexism coming from the management, you can, for example, report it, which is what I do. But this might not always be effective, as orders like «We do not take women to the frontlines» are not documented on paper. They are given in verbally, and proving that the reason for you not being accepted somewhere was particularly sexism is difficult.

I am not an infantry soldier anymore, I am a drone operator - there is much less sexism in this area. Here I am allowed to participate in any operations with no questions, but I do know a girl, for instance, who was not allowed to take part in combat missions just this Winter. A lot depends on which management you will end up under. Which is truly absurd, since the army has a catastrophic lack of people.

But commanders continue dividing people by gender. For me, it is the same as segregating people by, for example, eye colour: «We do not send blue-eyed people to the frontlines because they are tender». I can not think of a single war task that a woman could not handle.

A machine gun is a quite heavy weapon but we all know successful female machine gunners. My comrade, a combat medic, received her call sign «The Ant» for carrying the injured twice her size out of the battlefield. The difference between a man and a woman is only that a woman does not have the right to make a mistake. If a man makes a mistake - it is normal, happens to everyone. But when a woman does it, she will immediately hear that her place is not in the war.

What women want

- The girls on the frontlines point out issues with female military uniform…

- In my battalion female uniform is unheard of. My physique is more or less boy-like, with small breasts, which allows me to wear a male uniform, tunics and T-shirts. There was a girl with a curvy shape in our unit, to whom the men’s body armour became a real problem. And even then, she was told she just did not know how to wear it.

The reality is that girls are forced to buy female uniforms themselves. The underwear provided is also only men’s. AFU’s pants are not suited for women’s thighs, they are uncomfortable in combat. That is why I bought a «British» uniform back in 2022 - the pants are much wider there, and I also purchased a women’s plate carrier and plates myself.

- Women’s everyday life is also connected with other difficulties - for example, painful periods. How do you manage this problem?

- In this matter, I got lucky once again because everything goes on relatively painless. I know girls who experience this much harder but they perform their duties and do not complain. And personal hygiene items can be changed even in blindages and on the frontline - it is enough to ask your male comrades to turn away. When the situation is that people can not leave the trenches for multiple days, they are even forced to relieve themselves into jars or bags, and this concerns both men and women.

It is not the time to die

- You literally burst into the fight, to the frontline. Are you not afraid?

- Obviously, there is a fear. I strive for combat but it does not mean I will be running under enemy fire and putting myself in danger on purpose. Last year, I was on the very combat line, when the enemy was 200 metres away from us and bullets really were flying over my head day and night. You sit in a blindage, look deep into the darkness and realise that an enemy grenade could land before you even see the enemy. In these moments you act on adrenaline - and this adrenaline does not let go of you for some more time after arriving at a relatively safe place.

You are exhausted and exhilarated at the same time because you realise: you went through hell and lived. There are moments when it really is a miracle you survived. I recall a situation when the enemy was shelling us with artillery, and our observation posts were in a ravine on the slope of one of the hills. We were hiding there in dugouts, dug by the Russians (it was impossible to dig new ones due to the constant presence of enemy drones).

At that time, I had a small individual dugout. The likelihood of a direct hit on our dugouts was low - it was quite difficult to hit them. And then I had a conflict with the company commander, and he sent me «into exile» to a control observation post (COP) - a place between the frontline and the permanent deployment point. Another soldier replaced me at my position. So, I was sitting at the COP and heard on the radio that a tank was shelling our positions. The next message was that there was one «KIA». It turned out that a hit landed near my dugout, a fragment pierced the roof, and the comrade who was in my dugout died on the spot...

- What helps you cope?

- Talking to my mom and friends. It is important to have people you can share your feelings with. Cigars also help to relieve acute stress. Not cigarettes, but cigars specifically; I learned to smoke cigars while in the Territorial Defense. This year, I sought help from a psychologist and I already feel a positive effect. Motivation also helps me to hold on.

- How can you outline it?

- When the full-scale invasion happened, I felt like I had been slapped. My country, my Kyiv, was hit so brazenly and deceitfully. I wanted to retaliate once and for all against the one who dared to do this. That is exactly what I am doing now.

Despite all the difficulties I face, I will defend this country because it is mine. While at war, I discovered Ukraine’s East for myself - unbelievably beautiful and now dear places to me.

As a feminist, I am used to standing up for my boundaries, defending my rights. The same is true here - I am defending my right to be myself in my country, defending its and my own independence.

And even if something were to happen to me, I would be peaceful, as I was fighting for a noble cause.

Photos from the heroine’s private archive

«I have never even considered leaving my country. To reside temporarily in another region? It has already happened to me once, and I have had enough. I understood that the only way out was to go and get rid of the occupants of my land. I had waited 8 years for the opportunity to get back at them».

This is how 32-year-old Olga Bigar describes her feelings in the first days of the full-scale Russian invasion when she and her two younger brothers went to the recruitment office. Olga is an artillerist, officer of the Armed Forces of Ukraine, deputy battalion commander and head of a joint fire support group. Call sign - «The Witch» because, as Olga says herself, she can «set the sky on fire».

How to set the sky on fire

- You once said that the beginning of the full-scale war with Russia was a relief for you in a certain way. What did you mean by that?

- I understood the imminence of this war. And the anticipation of death, as it is well known, is worse than death itself. When it all began, it was a kind of relief because this time Russia invaded openly, and we were able to respond properly. Until February 2022 Russian troops that occupied the territories in Donbas did not wear chevrons - formally, «they were not there». In the eyes of the international community, this was rather an inner conflict, and we could not retaliate properly.

I saw with my own eyes everything that happened in Donbas in 2014, as I am from Kramatorsk myself. I participated in resisting the occupants. I brought my close ones to Kyiv and enrolled in a law faculty because I realised one has to know how to defend one’s rights. I already had a degree in neurobiology at that moment. Studying for my second degree, I worked in law firms and then opened my own company. In 2016 I also gave birth to my son.

I enjoyed my job but knew well that I would enlist when the great war began.

- Did your mother and brothers enlist as well?

- On February 25th, our whole family went to the recruitment office. Now we serve in various units of the Defence Forces: One brother - a combat medic, another - a scout. Our mother also serves in the AFU (Armed Forces of Ukraine)

As for me, I did not choose the branch of the military - most of the enlisted people ended up in Territorial Defence at the beginning of the great war. I became deputy commander of an infantry company. Later I was in charge of a platoon, and after the Kyiv campaign, we had our first serious military operation on the outskirts of Bakhmu.

I learned a lot - both in theory and in practice. I became a mortarwoman. Four mortar operators were assigned to my platoon, and I saw how a well-constructed fire control system could change the situation on the battlefield. That is why I put my efforts into fire support. Some people might find it hard but for me, it was simultaneously easy and interesting.

- Do artillerists work with numbers and calculations?

- Knowledge in mathematics (thanks biological faculty), topography and topogeodezie are required. There is no higher maths here but there is trigonometry: you calculate the ballistics and distances.

These are the same sines, cosines and cotangents you learn at school and think you will never need in real life. But this knowledge is vital to an artillerist

A shell bursts - and you need to adjust this shell, calculate the angle by which it deviated, measure it down to a thousandth, transfer it to the map, and determine how to adjust the firing settings. We already have unique automated systems but we still perform the initial calculations ourselves. We adjust not just one fire asset, but several simultaneously.

One time, I had ten firing positions simultaneously. An enemy assault is underway. I plan the fire, adjust it, distribute targets, give commands to fire, record the hit emplacements and keep all the statistics. The drone footage often leaves much to be desired, but you have to determine the coordinates of the explosion, remember who fired, quickly provide corrections, and promptly record all this in the log. In front of me are several monitors, a radio, a headset - and I simultaneously perform calculations, write down coordinates, and respond on the radio…

Skills are honed gradually. Initially, I had three mortars, then six, and then we got cannons. Since we don't have weekends or holidays, the process of learning and working is virtually continuous. My resting time is spent going to check the positions. To fire the mortars myself, check the condition of the weapons and arrange the dugouts. This is also part of my duties.

- Mortars are very heavy. Do you often lift them yourself?

- Of course. But you have to understand that I do not move the mortars on my own. It is usually transported to places within driving distance and then pulled by quadricycles or my comrades and I pull it with belts.

There are many nuances to this work but I manage. In the Autumn of 2023, I temporarily became the acting fire support officer, and in December, I became the deputy battalion commander for artillery.

- You mentioned that sometimes a mortar operator has to perform precision work to avoid hitting their own troops. What situations are you referring to?

- The war has changed now: it is no longer manoeuvrable but positional. We are in defence, and the distance between our trenches and that of the enemy can measure up to 25 meters. According to doctrine, artillery is prohibited from working with large calibres at distances of less than 400 meters. But if the enemy takes a position as close as possible to ours, I take responsibility for measures to cover our infantry, and then we work like surgeons. We calculate 10,000 times, make a few precise shots, and keep the position under our control. The battle may seem chaotic from the outside, but in reality, it is a complex and carefully planned process.

- What is the most difficult for you in the war?

- When there is no communication with the position, and you realise you might lose people. As a commander, you understand that if this has happened, it means the work was done incorrectly, and it is your mistake. And even if it's not your fault, it's still hard to tell yourself that it's normal to lose personnel.

The hardest part is when it concerns guys aged 20-25 - they remind me of my younger brothers. Recently, one of our best grenade launcher commanders came under fire, and I reacted too emotionally; my hands were trembling. My subordinates should not see me in this state.

A lot depends on the mood and behaviour of the commander, especially if it is the first battle for some of the subordinates.

About 70 per cent of people experience stress from the first battle similarly: they seem to withdraw into a shell. They are unable to process information or follow orders. Instinct tells them to run - it doesn't matter where.

In such a situation, a calm commander who smiles, reassures and even jokes can play a crucial role. Say there is a soldier at my position, and we are adjusting the mortar. Then the shelling starts. I understand that if the first shell fell a hundred meters from us, the second will also miss. But the third one might hit. So we have three minutes to retreat to the positions.

I tell the soldier to take down the tube, but he can't do it - his hands are shaking, he's panicking. I calmly sit on the ground, showing by my demeanour that nothing extraordinary is happening, and begin to calm him down. Even if the enemy hits our position or the roof is on fire, we don't panic: we put on masks, cover our faces with wet cloth and wait for the shelling to end so we can calmly exit.

- Do you get scared at all?

- Yes. I remember when one position reported that three enemy GEDs (guided aerial bombs. - Author) were headed towards another position, everything inside me froze, and I caught my breath... I quickly mobilised the evacuation teams and told them to take crowbars and pickaxes with them. So that if someone got buried, we could dig them out.

«Attitude towards women in the army has changed»

- Have you, as a female commander, ever faced prejudice or sexism?

- Until 2016 there have not been any military jobs for women in the Ukrainian army. Since the beginning of the full-scale war, there has been a large number of young NATO-oriented commanders, and the attitude towards women in the army has changed.

But, undoubtedly, sometimes I do hear things like: «Female commander? Well, well». However, I do not take it personally. Not all people are educated and have good manners. And if you are too sensitive and can not turn the situation into a joke, it means the army is not for you.

- There is a video on social networks where you can be seen polishing your nails under a gel light in the middle of a war zone.

- Actually, I hate doing this. But it's necessary. A manicure in wartime is not a matter of beauty, but first and foremost, convenience. Gel polish better protects the nail plate from the cold and injuries, from aggressive substances you use to clean weapons. On adrenaline, you might not even notice getting injured. You might hit your hand, fall, sorry for the details, on a corpse. Then you scrape yourself out of there, your hands are in the dirt, and there's nowhere to wash them... When nails are protected by gel polish, the likelihood that the skin underneath will survive is higher.

Long nails perform many practical functions. For example, it is easy to cut open a gunpowder package using them. Recently, I used a long nail to remove a splinter from my leg... And nail polish and gel lamps are also necessary for sealing plastic or soldering some parts.

- You are saying adrenaline blocks off the feeling of pain. How does it happen?

- Your heart rate increases on adrenaline, and it feels like you can do anything. The state itself is cool, euphoric. But eventually, what we call the comedown sets in.

The last time I came under «Grad» rocket fire in Chasiv Yar, I was able to run 10 kilometres afterwards on adrenaline. However, after that, I completely crashed - I slept for three hours and did not hear the enemy hitting us with GEDs. This is the comedown - the body takes its toll.

After this, for about two weeks, you are in a terrible mood, you can not eat or sleep, you feel nauseous and have headaches. In such moments, staying at the company's location and loading yourself with routine work is better. And if you are given time off, go to your family later - when you have recovered psychologically.

- You have a seven-year-old son. You said you sometimes feel the need to distance yourself from your close ones, even your child. What does it mean?

- It may sound wild, but I realise that I could die. My life is currently dedicated to the state, not my family. And my efforts are aimed at making my son as independent as possible. So that if something happens to me, he can cope relatively well.

Another point is that it is not always right to share your mood and state with a child who is still psychologically immature. Before going to see my son, I try to clear as much military-related stuff from my mind as possible.

- Since the beginning of the full-scale war, you have placed the interests of the state above your own. Why? What does Ukraine mean to you?

- For me, Ukraine is not just certain boundaries on topographic and geographic maps. It is a cultural code. It is traditions, language and inventions. We have much to be proud of.

At the same time, when Ukrainians go to Poland, Germany or the UK, they are pleasantly surprised by the perfect roads and quality of life. When we go to NATO bases for training, we are impressed by how all their processes are organised. So, I am fighting for us to be able to build the same comfort, peace, and democracy in our own country.

But first, we need to defeat the enemy. We will only be able to live and develop normally if we separate ourselves from Russia and Belarus with barbed wire and a 10-kilometre mined zone. We need to drive the occupiers from our land. And my comrades and I are actively working on this.

Photos from Olga Bigar’s private archive