Tetyana Bondarenko is an actress. Before the full-scale invasion, she played at the Kyiv theatre on Mykhailivska St., acted in episodical roles in movies, translated English content for Ukrainian TV channels, worked as a lab assistant in the scientific research laboratory at the Borys Grinchenko University. On February 24 2022, her life, like the lives of millions of Ukrainians, changed completely. During that time, when many were already leaving Kyiv, Tetyana came into the recruiting office with a strong intention of joining the Territorial Defence. She has been fighting since Autumn 2022. At first as a shooter in the infantry, now - as a drone operator. Tetyana with the codename «Bond» told Sestry about her life at war, her motivation and battling sexism on the frontlines.
Making the recruitment office listen
- The plan to join the Armed Forces of Ukraine actually formed even before the full-scale war, - Tetyana says. - In 2014, when the fighting in Donbas broke out, I came to the «Kozatsky» hotel on Khreshchatyk St., where volunteers were being recruited, and said that I wanted to join one of the battalions. The recruiter looked at me with apparent scepticism: «And who are you? A medic? Cook?» «An actress» - I replied.
I think he threw away my application the moment I left the hotel. Since that day, I was often haunted by thoughts that I was doing nothing while someone else was protecting the country. And at the beginning of 2022, I had no doubt about the imminence of a full-scale invasion and decided to apply to the Territorial Defence in January. I considered it to be a good way to, firstly, prepare myself for the war, and secondly, learn to handle weapons, which would be useful in my career as an actress (I have always wanted to play strong and belligerent women).
The full-scale war began when I already collected all the necessary documents for the Territorial Defence - the only thing left was for me to write a short autobiography. Having heard the first explosions outside my window, I began writing it at once - and at 9 AM I was on the spot with all the required papers.
Women do not belong here
- People often ask me when I was really scared during the war. And so I think that it would be the moment I was first given a weapon, having no idea how to use it. I was horrified of doing something wrong… Our first target practice took place on March 8th. It is an important date for me as a feminist - a day of women’s struggle for their rights. Being at a training ground that day with a weapon in hand, I felt that I was doing what I had to.
- When in particular did you end up on the frontlines?
- This did not happen immediately. At first, I was stationed at a checkpoint near Kyiv. We spent the whole Spring learning combat tactics, explosives and more. Before long we went to the combat zone but stayed in reserve for a while, 3-4 kilometres away from the battles. Our company was sent to the frontlines specifically at the end of October 2022. Then a situation happened that became a great disappointment to me.
There were only two women in my company: me and a combat medic. And we were the only ones to not be sent «to die» until the last minute. The commander of the unit we were in proclaimed stubbornly: «We do not take women to the frontlines!». While half of the men in our company were laid off at the trench digging stage in reserve: there were many people 40+ years of age in the Territorial Defence, and some strained their backs, for some problems with the joints or blood pressure «appeared». As a result, only 35 people went to the line which was supposed to be «held» by 70 people. The female medic and I, who were prepared and motivated, were not engaged because of the fact that we were women.
Our unit’s leader tried to convince the commander of the air assault company that I and my comrade could fight but he said: «Alright, you can take them with you. But if they are going to start crying the next day, you are going to be at fault»
But they did not take us anyway. When wrote a report to the commander, he sent my comrade to a field hospital and me to a different company, whose positions were easier. He said I have to stay there for a while at first, and then if I manage it, I could come back to my company. Unfortunately, my company did not stick around for me to come - the enemy literally destroyed it, only three people were unharmed. The rest - all «WIA» and two «KIA». Then, I told my mother that it would not be an enemy’s bullet that would kill me in this war but instead sexism that becomes absurd, and stupidity shown by my own people.
By gender
- What do you think is the reason for sexism?
- This is, unfortunately, our culture. 90 per cent of people in the army are yesterday’s civilians. This is a kind of section, a mirror of society, in which 70 per cent of men single-mindedly refuse to see an equal in a female. They think in stereotypes indoctrinated since their childhood, like: «The man is a defender, the woman is a caretaker». I think if they admit that women are strong, smart and can perform the same tasks as them, their worldview would crumble. If women are decent soldiers, it turns out that men are not exclusive in their heroism.
- What methods are effective in fighting sexism?
- I often see how some girls try to be kind and gentle in hopes that it would help establish good relationships with their comrades. Thinking that if they act like a girl, they would soon start acting like gentlemen. I have not seen this strategy work even once.
Personally, I have a strong reaction towards any signs of sexism. I am not afraid of being hated. At least I will be heard. And by the way, I am on good terms with most of my comrades. Thankfully, there are some reasonable people.
Sexism presents itself in many forms, most of the time in offensive comments or jokes toward women. And, in my opinion, men often underestimate women’s role in civil life during the war, when it is the women especially on whom the responsibility to care for the children and the elderly lies - and there are no medals, awards or prizes for this.
I even conducted a survey among my comrades - what would they choose: staying home alone with children like their wives or going to war. The overwhelming majority chose the second option.
One time, the wife of one of my comrades thanked me - she said that after speaking with me, her husband became more considerate of her «invisible» home duty
As for fighting sexism coming from the management, you can, for example, report it, which is what I do. But this might not always be effective, as orders like «We do not take women to the frontlines» are not documented on paper. They are given in verbally, and proving that the reason for you not being accepted somewhere was particularly sexism is difficult.
I am not an infantry soldier anymore, I am a drone operator - there is much less sexism in this area. Here I am allowed to participate in any operations with no questions, but I do know a girl, for instance, who was not allowed to take part in combat missions just this Winter. A lot depends on which management you will end up under. Which is truly absurd, since the army has a catastrophic lack of people.
But commanders continue dividing people by gender. For me, it is the same as segregating people by, for example, eye colour: «We do not send blue-eyed people to the frontlines because they are tender». I can not think of a single war task that a woman could not handle.
A machine gun is a quite heavy weapon but we all know successful female machine gunners. My comrade, a combat medic, received her call sign «The Ant» for carrying the injured twice her size out of the battlefield. The difference between a man and a woman is only that a woman does not have the right to make a mistake. If a man makes a mistake - it is normal, happens to everyone. But when a woman does it, she will immediately hear that her place is not in the war.
What women want
- The girls on the frontlines point out issues with female military uniform…
- In my battalion female uniform is unheard of. My physique is more or less boy-like, with small breasts, which allows me to wear a male uniform, tunics and T-shirts. There was a girl with a curvy shape in our unit, to whom the men’s body armour became a real problem. And even then, she was told she just did not know how to wear it.
The reality is that girls are forced to buy female uniforms themselves. The underwear provided is also only men’s. AFU’s pants are not suited for women’s thighs, they are uncomfortable in combat. That is why I bought a «British» uniform back in 2022 - the pants are much wider there, and I also purchased a women’s plate carrier and plates myself.
- Women’s everyday life is also connected with other difficulties - for example, painful periods. How do you manage this problem?
- In this matter, I got lucky once again because everything goes on relatively painless. I know girls who experience this much harder but they perform their duties and do not complain. And personal hygiene items can be changed even in blindages and on the frontline - it is enough to ask your male comrades to turn away. When the situation is that people can not leave the trenches for multiple days, they are even forced to relieve themselves into jars or bags, and this concerns both men and women.
It is not the time to die
- You literally burst into the fight, to the frontline. Are you not afraid?
- Obviously, there is a fear. I strive for combat but it does not mean I will be running under enemy fire and putting myself in danger on purpose. Last year, I was on the very combat line, when the enemy was 200 metres away from us and bullets really were flying over my head day and night. You sit in a blindage, look deep into the darkness and realise that an enemy grenade could land before you even see the enemy. In these moments you act on adrenaline - and this adrenaline does not let go of you for some more time after arriving at a relatively safe place.
You are exhausted and exhilarated at the same time because you realise: you went through hell and lived. There are moments when it really is a miracle you survived. I recall a situation when the enemy was shelling us with artillery, and our observation posts were in a ravine on the slope of one of the hills. We were hiding there in dugouts, dug by the Russians (it was impossible to dig new ones due to the constant presence of enemy drones).
At that time, I had a small individual dugout. The likelihood of a direct hit on our dugouts was low - it was quite difficult to hit them. And then I had a conflict with the company commander, and he sent me «into exile» to a control observation post (COP) - a place between the frontline and the permanent deployment point. Another soldier replaced me at my position. So, I was sitting at the COP and heard on the radio that a tank was shelling our positions. The next message was that there was one «KIA». It turned out that a hit landed near my dugout, a fragment pierced the roof, and the comrade who was in my dugout died on the spot...
- What helps you cope?
- Talking to my mom and friends. It is important to have people you can share your feelings with. Cigars also help to relieve acute stress. Not cigarettes, but cigars specifically; I learned to smoke cigars while in the Territorial Defense. This year, I sought help from a psychologist and I already feel a positive effect. Motivation also helps me to hold on.
- How can you outline it?
- When the full-scale invasion happened, I felt like I had been slapped. My country, my Kyiv, was hit so brazenly and deceitfully. I wanted to retaliate once and for all against the one who dared to do this. That is exactly what I am doing now.
Despite all the difficulties I face, I will defend this country because it is mine. While at war, I discovered Ukraine’s East for myself - unbelievably beautiful and now dear places to me.
As a feminist, I am used to standing up for my boundaries, defending my rights. The same is true here - I am defending my right to be myself in my country, defending its and my own independence.
And even if something were to happen to me, I would be peaceful, as I was fighting for a noble cause.
Photos from the heroine’s private archive
A Ukrainian journalist with 15 years of experience. She worked as a special correspondent for the national Ukrainian newspaper «Facts», covering emergencies, high-profile court cases and writing about prominent people, as well as the lives and education of Ukrainians abroad. She has also collaborated with a number of international media outlets.
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